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“New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him.”
Emo Philips quotes
About: Funny quotes, New York quotes.
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Forgiveness quotes.
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“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips quotes
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“People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”
David Letterman quotes (American television Host and Comedian. He hosts "Late Night with David Letterman". b.1947)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, America and Americans quotes.
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“Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.”
Jenny0103 Jerry Seinfeld quotes (American television Actor and Comedian, b.1954)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes.
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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”
Lynda Montgomery quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes.
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“I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.”
Emo Philips quotes
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“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'”
Tommy Cooper quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Dogs quotes.
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“I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.”
Jenny0103 Tommy Cooper quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes.
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“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize”
Jenny0103 Steven Wright quotes (American Comedian, b.1955)
Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Funny quotes.
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“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.”
Emo Philips quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Computers quotes.
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