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“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”
Johnny Carson quotes (American TV Host, 1925-2005)
About: Funny quotes.
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“Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.”

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“I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
Will Shriner quotes (American Comedian, b.1953)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Death and dying quotes.
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“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”
Jack Handey quotes (American Comic Writer, Comedian and Actor on SNL. Famous for his Deep Thoughts, b.1949)
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“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
santiz
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“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.”
Lynda Montgomery quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Food quotes, Funny quotes.
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“When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
Emo Philips quotes
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Forgiveness quotes.
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“If you can't convince them, confuse them.”
Harry S Truman quotes (American 33rd President of the United States, 1884-1972)
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“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”
Drew Carey quotes (American Comedian, b.1958)
Similar Quotes. About: Humor quotes, Funny quotes, Hate quotes, Jobs quotes.
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“The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.”
Franklin P. Jones quotes (American Businessman, 1887-1929)
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“If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried”

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