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“I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".'”
chrisleeindy Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
About: Food quotes, Funny quotes, Bureaucracy quotes.
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31-40 Quotations of 239

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“I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.”
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“I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.”
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“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
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“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.”
caballtaz Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.”
santiz Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Work quotes, Laziness quotes, Comedy quotes.
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“I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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