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“Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)

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“What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and winter.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“I'd always been scared of people with tertiary education and high intellects in case they found me wanting. I thought they viewed me as just a welder who knew a few jokes.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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“I don't believe in angels, no. . . . But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.”
Billy Connolly quotes (Scottish Actor, b.1942)
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