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“A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?'”
santiz Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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31-40 Quotations of 101

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“If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable...”
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“Swiss Cheese is a rip-off! It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss!”
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“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.”
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“So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
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“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for ME.”
aja535s Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.”
iforget Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.”
iforget Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...”
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