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“A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?'”
santiz Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)

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“Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.”
Str4wb3rry Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom? It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
Similar Quotes. About: Funny quotes, Arguments quotes, Comedy quotes, Relationships quotes.
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“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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“I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”
Mitch Hedberg quotes (American Comedian, 1968-2005)
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